I had been waiting 20 years for a call that never came. 20 years of sending gifts that vanished into the void. 20 years of dialing numbers that rang and rang until a robotic voice told me to leave a message. And I left messages. Dozens, hundreds of messages over the course of two decades.

«Happy birthday, Jennifer. I miss you so much.»

«Christopher, it is Mom. I just wanted to know how you are doing.»

«I have been thinking about you both all day. I hope you are doing well. Sending you a big hug. I love you.»

But never, not once in 20 years, did I receive a reply. Not a call back. Not a text message. Not even a cold, distant email. Nothing. Silence had become my only companion.

The constant response to every desperate attempt to keep alive a relationship that my children had decided to bury without even telling me to my face. This morning I woke up in my small, one-bedroom apartment. The same place I have lived alone since my husband died 23 years ago.

The walls are covered with photographs of when Jennifer and Christopher were children. There is Jennifer in her pink elementary school graduation dress. Christopher in his Little League baseball uniform. Smiling that smile that used to light up my entire world.

Photos of birthdays. Of Christmases. Of trips to the Jersey Shore we took when we still had very little money but a lot of love. Oh, or so I thought. Every morning I get up and look at those photos.

And every morning I wonder at what moment I ceased to exist for them. I made myself a cup of coffee and sat in front of the window, looking out at the street. Today is Wednesday. An ordinary day.

Just another day in this life of waiting that no longer expects anything. I checked my phone out of habit. Zero missed calls. Zero messages. Same as always.

I opened my photo gallery and looked at the pictures of the gifts I have sent over these years. I always take a picture before mailing them. As if I needed proof that I tried. That I did not give up.

That I continued to be their mother, even though they stopped being my children. Last year I sent Jennifer a cashmere shawl that cost me $250. I never knew if she received it. Six months ago, I sent Christopher a Montblanc pen for his office.

$300 that I spent from my small social security check. He never mentioned receiving it. Every birthday. Every Christmas. Every major holiday.

I sent something. And every time, the silence returned the certainty that, for them, I no longer existed. I dressed in black slacks and a simple white blouse. At 69 years old, I do not care about impressing anyone anymore.

But I still maintain my dignity. I went out for a walk in the park near my building. Something I do every morning so as not to go crazy inside these four walls. I saw other women my age walking with their grandchildren.

Laughing. Taking photos. Sharing ice cream cones. I never met my grandchildren. I know Jennifer has two.

A boy and a girl. I found out on Facebook four years ago, back when I still checked their profiles before they blocked me. Christopher has a daughter. I also learned that through social media, from the crumbs of information I could gather before they completely slammed that door shut, too.

Three grandchildren who do not know my name. Who do not know I exist. Who grew up thinking their grandmother is simply not around. I returned home around noon and found an envelope in my mailbox.

It was an invitation. An elegant invitation. Printed on thick ivory cardstock with gold lettering. I opened it with trembling hands. It was from Jennifer.

A formal invitation to her 45th birthday party. This Saturday. At her house. From 6 to 10 in the evening.

Dress code: Formal. I felt something move in my chest. Something that had been dormant for so long I had almost forgotten its existence. Hope.

After 20 years of silence, my daughter was inviting me to her party. I sat on the sofa and read the invitation over and over again. Looking for some personal message. Some handwritten note.

There was nothing. Just the formal invitation. Printed. Impersonal. But it was something.

It was more than I had had in two decades. I spent the next three days preparing for that party as if it were the most important event of my life. I went to the department store and bought a wine-colored dress that made me look elegant, but not extravagant. I did not want to draw too much attention.

I just wanted to be presentable. To look like a mother they could feel proud of. I spent $200 on the dress. Almost a quarter of my monthly pension.

But I did not care. I also bought a gift. A set of sterling silver flatware engraved with the initials of Jennifer and her husband. $600.

All the money I had saved for months for emergencies. But this was an emergency of a different kind. It was my chance to exist again for my children. To remind them that I was still here.

That I had always been here. Waiting.

Saturday arrived and I got ready with care. I applied light makeup. I put on the pearl necklace my mother gave me over 40 years ago.

I slipped on the low-heeled black pumps I reserved for special occasions. I looked in the mirror and saw an older woman. Yes, with wrinkles around the eyes and gray hair I no longer bothered to dye. But I also saw a woman who still had dignity.

Who still stood tall despite everything. I took a taxi because I do not drive anymore. My eyesight is not as good as it used to be. During the ride, I practiced in my mind what I would say to them.

«Hello, Jennifer. Happy birthday, sweetheart.»

«Christopher, it is so good to see you. I have missed you both so much.»

Simple phrases. Phrases a mother should be able to say without rehearsing. But I needed to prepare because I no longer knew how to talk to my own children. The taxi dropped me off in front of a huge mansion in one of the most exclusive suburbs of the city.

I stood on the sidewalk for a moment, looking at the lit-up house, listening to the murmur of voices and music coming from inside. Jennifer had prospered. That was evident. Her husband, Robert Stone, was a successful businessman, and she had become a socialite.

I knew this because sometimes, when the loneliness became unbearable, I would search her name on the Internet and read articles about charity galas she attended. About her membership in exclusive country clubs. About her perfect life that did not include me. I took a deep breath and walked toward the front door.

Before I could ring the bell, the door opened and a housekeeper greeted me.

«Come in, please,» she told me, pointing toward the back of the house. «The party is in the backyard garden.»

I walked down a long hallway, decorated with modern art and furniture that probably cost more than everything I owned. I reached the garden and stopped dead in my tracks. There were at least 50 people, elegant tables with white linens and fresh floral centerpieces. Uniformed servers circulated with trays of champagne and hors d’oeuvres.

A full bar with a professional bartender. Live jazz music. It was a magazine-perfect party, expensive, spectacular. And I, with my $200 dress and my gift that had cost me my entire savings, felt like an imposter who had walked into the wrong venue.

I looked for Jennifer in the crowd and found her laughing with a group of women, all dressed in designer clothes, all with that glow of money and success that I never had. I approached slowly, feeling how every step required more courage than I possessed. Jennifer saw me, and her laughter stopped abruptly. For a second, just a second, I saw something in her eyes I could not decipher.

Then she smiled, that perfect social smile they must teach in country clubs.

«Mom, you said you would come,» she said, kissing the air near my cheek.

The women around her looked at me with curiosity.

«This is my mother, Margaret,» Jennifer announced with a tone that sounded more like an apology than an introduction.

The women nodded politely, but none made the effort to start a conversation with me. Jennifer excused herself, saying she had to greet other guests, and left me standing there. I was alone in the middle of a crowd of strangers who clearly belonged to a world I would never be part of. I looked for a place to sit and found an empty table in a corner of the garden, far from the center of the celebration.

From there I could observe everything without getting in anyone’s way, which was exactly what seemed expected of me. I saw Christopher enter the garden from the house. My son, 42 years old, a successful corporate lawyer, dressed in a suit that probably cost more than $2,000.

He came in laughing with a group of men surrounding him as if he were someone truly important. I watched him move among the guests with that confidence that only money and success provide. He saw me. I know he saw me because our eyes met for a fraction of a second.

And then he simply turned his head and continued his conversation as if I were just another garden chair, invisible, nonexistent. That is how I felt after 20 years of unanswered calls. And that is how he confirmed that I effectively was. A server approached and offered me champagne.

I took it just to have something in my hands, something to do with them besides wringing them in my lap. I took a sip, and the liquid tasted bitter to me, although it was probably the expensive kind. The kind these people drank without thinking twice. I looked around and saw entire families talking, laughing, hugging.

I saw an older woman, probably my age, surrounded by what appeared to be her children and grandchildren, all attentive to every word she said. I felt a pang of pain so intense in my chest that I had to close my eyes for a moment. That was what I had dreamed of. That was what I thought I would have when I raised my children.

When I sacrificed everything for them. When I worked two jobs so they could go to good schools. When I stayed up entire nights taking care of them when they were sick. The memories began to flood in without me being able to stop them.

Jennifer was eight years old when she had pneumonia. We spent three nights in the hospital, and I did not move from her side for a second. I sang her songs so she would sleep. I read her stories.

I promised her everything was going to be all right. When we finally left the hospital, she hugged me and told me I was the best mom in the world. Where was that little girl now? Where was my daughter who hugged me and needed me?

Christopher was 12 years old when his father died. It was a sudden heart attack, without warnings, without time for goodbyes. My husband left and left us alone, me with two children to raise and debts to pay. Christopher cried for weeks.